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I could go to class when I wanted as long as I maintained high grades. I often think, what if they had of realised then I had ADHD? But I had to travel two hours a day to get there and spend my last year at a school where I knew nobody. I just couldn’t focus on anything, and I had no idea how to be organised and study.The teachers didn’t know me, so were far from forgiving with my poor timekeeping and tendency to talk loudly out of turn.
By the time I got out of university (which, just like high school, I briefly dropped out of, bored, before begging my way back in at the last moment and finishing my degree) I was depressed. I of course delayed calling for several weeks, but bumped into the woman again and felt pressured to go through with it.
I now realised there was something wrong with me, but just blamed myself for my inability to focus and be organised. And that was how I ended up sitting in a psychiatrist’s office across from a rather glamorous and aloof blonde doctor, expecting to be given antidepressants.
But then my boyfriend cheated, and oh how I backslid!
I decided to move country, and quit my film career out of the blue – talk about impulsive!
It meant the rest of university I had to work two jobs to get by, which just made me even more of a scattered mess.
My tendency of talking in circles, or of wandering off mid-conversation, often had dates tell me they “couldn’t keep up with me”.
I began to drink and go out a lot, I suppose to bolster my falling self-esteem. Instead I was told I had ADHD and was offered a prescription for Ritalin. I knew what ADHD was, but in my mind it equated to hyperactive children, not a 23 year-old like me.
It was at a party that I met a woman who spilled her soul to me, admitting she was seeing a psychiatrist for depression. The way this woman diagnosed me in one hour flat left me feeling misunderstood and judged, too.
I was incredibly embarrassed to see my teacher and fellow students staring at me, the pieces of my artwork on the floor.
Over focus, putting too much energy on the wrong thing, was also big issue. I forgot to choose my classes in time for final year and the ones I needed to graduate were full.